"Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother" -Lin Yutang
When I woke up this morning and looked in the bathroom mirror I saw a different woman than a couple of years prior and it isn't just the shocking dark circles under my eyes. Today I sit and try to imagine my life without these two beautiful babies and what I keep coming up with are empty, self-absorbed dreams. I could travel, I could become a better skier, I could go out at night with friends. Dreams that no longer exist, because EVERYTHING changes when you have a child. Now a days my dreams are all for them, I dream of the day that Isaac learns to Ski and the day that Emma learns to walk. I dream of school plays and Halloween costumes. I can hardly wait to hear the sweet sound of one of them saying mama, just the mere thought of it brings tears to my eyes.
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| Isaac |
Today I think back to the moment that I met each of them. That perfect moment when you are holding your new child and nothing else matters. It is the definition of bliss, more than any other natural or artificial high that exists. Your baby looks towards you, and in an instant you are madly in love with this tiny stranger and it's the kind of love that is so strong it actually hurts a little. It is indescribable to those who have not experienced it and I remember wondering why people didn't make a bigger deal out of this. Your laughing, your crying, the pain immediately subsides as if it was never there and you suddenly have more energy than you know what to do with. It's only a moment and then all the worries and responsibilities of parenthood begin to kick in. "Does the baby weigh enough?"... "Is the baby latching properly?"... "Do you want us to give her this shot?"... "Do you want him to be circumcised?"... and on and on, but before all that you get a quick moment in time when the world stands still and it is just you and your perfect little person. It is without a doubt the most pure and genuine feeling I have ever experienced.
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| Emma |
Most people think that once a woman has a child she is a mother and of course in the literal sense that is true, but for me there are definitive moments when it suddenly hits me..... "I am a mother!" Recently this happened when we were at a restaurant and I looked over to see the man sitting at the table next to us with a look of utter disgust as I, without hesitation, reached over and caught Isaac's spit up in my hand. For a split second I was a little embarrassed, but then Isaac piped in with a big goofy smile, smacking the table and squealing. I was instantly charmed by his antics and nothing else mattered..... I am a mother! The first time it happened with Emma she was 3 months old and we were at the Children's Hospital. They had been trying to place a catheter for about 15 minutes with no success. Emma was screaming in pain and I was full of helpless, angry feelings. Tears were streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks as I stood at the head of the table trying to comfort her and I recall wishing and praying harder than I ever had to give her some relief. At one point I wondered if I was doing it aloud. She was looking up at me, begging me with her eyes to rescue her and it was all I could do to not swoop her up off the table and run to the door, punching nurses on my way out. I would've done anything that day to take her pain away. Eventually we stopped their attempts and I angrily refused to let them continue. I was shaking and felt sick with empathy. I had never been so directly effected by someone elses suffering. Then it hit me, I loved this little person on a deeper level than I had ever known existed........ I am a mother.
