Emma turns 2.

This is a post that I've been thinking about for the last couple of weeks. I just didn't know where to start on this one and like most things I have left it to the very last minute. Writing this post means dealing all kinds of old emotions, as I reflect back on the past 2 years. Today was Emma's 2nd birthday. We didn't have a party, we're not quite ready for that yet, mostly for selfish reasons. I know that Emma would've enjoyed getting lots of attention and watching the other kids run around, but for me, it's still really hard to see kids her age playing, talking, and doing all the things that the average 2 year old does. I can't help but wonder what she would look like running and jumping or what she would sound like if she too, put together silly little sentences. This is a dangerous way of thinking and I try to not do it too often, but there are some days when I simply can't help myself. Today was one of them.
Instead Emma and I went to the hot springs pool in Ouray and enjoyed a beautiful day of swimming. It was perfect, she LOVES the water! It was just the two of us as Justin was at work and Isaac was at the sitters. It was so much fun and I think she had a great time. After that we went to the park and she swang and swang and swang some more. Another one of her favorite things. Later this evening Justin helped Emma blow out her candles and then she enjoyed some tasty banana cream pudding. She got a Rock n Roll Elmo for her birthday. She's becoming quite an Elmo fan and loves this new toy. Tomorrow we are heading to Justin's dads house to continue the celebrations, it should be fun.

Two years ago today we sat in the hospital with a beautiful baby girl. We were all exhausted from laboring all night and couldn't wait to start our new life together. Although, like most new parents I was apprehensive about leaving the security of the hospital and I wished that they were sending a nurse home with us. We were only home for about 4 hours when Emma stopped breathing for the first time. It was every parents worst nightmare and I couldn't believe it was happening. From day one this little girl has had to fight for what most of us do without ever thinking about.
She was blue and Justin immediately began CPR while I called 911. The first to arrive was a sweaty, overweight sheriff. He came sprinting into the house with all the fear and concern of a parent. I'll bet he was a father. He whipped Emma up and began checking her out. She had started to give us some gurgly breaths at this point and looked less blue. Within minutes our driveway was full of emergency vehicles and staff, even a firetruck had arrived. I have to give a shout out to the amazing response that we had that day from the Telluride EMT's and Fire dept, (most of which are volunteers). We don't live in a place that is super easy to access and they were all there within 5 minutes of our call. It was unbelievable. After an hour and half ambulance ride we were back at the hospital and we stayed the night. The pediatrician wrote it off as mucus from birth and after showing us a quick video on infant CPR they sent us on our way first thing in the morning.
              .......and I thought I was nervous about going home the day before. ;-)

Here we are, 2 years later and what feels like a hundred years wiser. Things are much more relaxed around here now a days. I think Isaac has played a big role in that. He is such a good baby and to be honest he hasn't really made our situation much harder, but I think having him has made our hearts a little heavier for Emma. She was our first after all and we didn't know any different. It was probably better that way. When I see how Isaac hits each and every milestone with ease, it really puts Emma's situation into a perspective that we hadn't quite realized before. Today I spent a lot of time thinking about things that I might try to do differently (better) for Emma. The one that keeps coming to mind is to live in the moment with her. I feel like I have spent much of her life so consumed by my fears of the future that I may be missing out on all the fun we could be having right now. So from now on I am committed to putting these fears in the back of my mind instead of the front. I will try to enjoy each and every moment rather than worrying about what's to come.





My beautiful birthday girl is now sound asleep, which is my cue to try and do the same. I hope she had a wonderful birthday. I hope in her 3rd year of life she discovers how amazing she is and that she feels loved and confident and continues to laugh every day. Swing on Emma, swing on.